5 Years.

5 years.

At the end of 2009 I first inductively studied Philemon, a 25 verse book of the Bible, which lit some kind of passion for studying scripture inside me I’d never experienced before. A year later I enrolled in an intro course to this same method of studying the Bible. The following year I joined the staff of that course, helping students engage with Scripture in a new and powerful way. As the course came to an end, I enrolled in a year long school that inductively studied the whole Bible.

Then I bailed. I got comfortable back at home, in my job, in a life that looked too good to leave behind.

2 years later, on July 4th, 2014 – I was visiting my family for the holiday and reading “The Barbarian Way” by Irwin McManus and that spark ignited in my heart again. But this time, it was almost painful. Like I could no longer ignore what God had placed inside me and I HAD to act. Immediately. If I didn’t, I never would. I’d keep finding excuses to stay comfortable and eventually regret not pursuing what I loved.

That day I made a decision to go, leave my job, sell most of my belongings, and move across the country to a campsite in the middle of the Appalachians in NC where I knew literally no one. As an introverted and anxious girl with a disability, uncertainty and unfamiliar surroundings can be scary and incredibly intimidating, but I put on my brave face, told everyone I could so I’d be accountable to not back out this time, and in a month and a half, my dad was driving me 16 hours overnight to my new home in NC.

It was a challenge. Most of the students and teachers already knew each other and had previously developed relationships of some sort. I was significantly older than most students and I was soon tempted to turn back and come home. But my previous mentor, leader, and friend told me as the school began that I needed to be intentional and vulnerable with the people there. So I put on my brave face again, and leaned into his words and the community.

God knew what I needed here. I couldn’t have hand picked a better roommate, mentor, desk buddy, fellow students.

This year changed my life forever. I met my husband. Got married. Finished the school remotely from Iowa. And 5 years ago today, I sat in the front row in a small classroom at Camp Lurecrest in little Lake Lure, NC and heard my name called as they announced my completion of the course.

As I sat back down, my husband leaned forward in the chair behind me, squeezed my shoulders, and whispered in my ear: “You did it, babe. I’m so proud of you.”

By this time the following year, my husband had ended his life, I was back living in my hometown with my parents, without a job, without the future I thought we were creating together. Life was uncertain in the vastest way I’d ever known and everything I’d lived through up until now seemed like a walk in the park compared to losing Justin and our life together. So everyday, as I woke up begging for God’s strength to get through one day at a time, I put on my brave face again.

Fast forward.

My dream of teaching Biblical Studies and all the effort and sacrifice I put into accomplishing that – it died along with my husband. I’m not going to sugar coat the reality of that devastation that I have wrestled with for 4 years. To say that it has been difficult is an understatement. To say that it has been heartbreaking would be more accurate. In the last 3 plus years, I have pushed away studying my Bible because whenever I’d open it, the wounds of not being enough of whatever made someone qualified would rip open again. And I’d wrestle with truth, knowing that loving Jesus, having a heart to follow him, was the bullseye of qualification, not behavior modification. Not “we will accept you when you get your life together. When you stop experiencing PTSD and anxiety and guilt and anger and a million questions.”

In the meantime, I have stayed here. In my hometown, a place I have tried to escape for 15 years. I was asked to help out with some paperwork and data entry at a distribution center in town for 1 day, 3 and a half years ago, and I’ve been returning everyday since. lol

2 years ago, I moved out of my parents’ home and am still successfully living on my own.

I have watched people walk out of my life and I others step in with patience, understanding, and grace for me.

About 2 months ago, one of my best friends asked me to teach her how to inductively study her Bible. She doesn’t live close and with the social distancing, we decided to use Zoom as our platform for a Bible Study through Philippians. 2 weeks ago, we began studying Ephesians with a group of 16 that I am honored beyond words to lead into the powerful truths of scripture.

And in a moment while sitting at my desk at work, it hit me. I became overwhelmed with emotion as God reminded me of the first day my eyes were opened to the deep power of Philemon and I knew that this was redemption. “God’s gifts and callings are irrevocable” was tangibly coming true in my life. It looks different, but God is faithful. I’ve never known him to be anything else to me. In his timing, in his way. And I can trust that. Whatever comes. I can bring my life, my dreams, my desires, my expectations to him in open hands and say, “Your will be done.”

5 years.

It’s been 5 years since I finished accomplishing the most challenging thing I’d ever done. I don’t regret a single moment. The truth I learned in that time carried me through the deepest of darkness and loss. I don’t know that I would have survived having not understood the depth of God’s grace and width of his unconditional love.

There’s this song that I had played at Justin’s funeral called “Redeemed” by Big Daddy Weave that is for one, incredible all the way through, give it a listen. But there’s a line in it that has really been resonating with me in the last couple weeks…”But when I hear You whisper, ‘Child, lift up your head.’ I remember O God, You’re not done with me yet.” And He isn’t. Not with me, not with you.

Don’t give up on you, either. Or me. Or your family. Friends. Coworkers.

If you’ve been holding on to your dream for 5 years, or 10, or however long – it’s not too late. No one and no circumstance is ever too far gone for God to redeem.

Paul says in Philippians 3:12: “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own BECAUSE CHRIST HAS MADE ME HIS OWN…But one I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

5 years.

On this day 5 years ago, my husband told a staff member at my school that he would move anywhere I could teach. And he has. I am teaching from my home and he is here. His support and encouragement echo in my mind all the time. And with each step forward, I know he is proud of me, cheering me on from the sidelines of Heaven – smiling ear to ear.

I am thankful for what this day represents to me, and even more thankful for my journey since. God has been good.